Disclaimer: I don't own Fake.
“We’re almost there,” Ryo said, gazing out the window. Things had been quiet between them since they’d boarded the train, headed for Ryo’s home across the river in New Jersey. Each was engrossed in his own thoughts.
Dee was replaying his last conversation with Aaron over and over in his mind. The two boys hadn’t had much time alone in the last couple of days, but he had managed to corner his friend in the back courtyard earlier that day, just hours before he and Ryo had to leave to catch the train. Their talk had not gone well.
“Dee!” Aaron said, startled. The boy been crouched down, examining a small patch of garden which he had been tending since his return to the orphanage. “What are you doing out here? You leave soon, don’t you?”
The dark-haired boy nodded, but remained silent for several moments. “Aaron,” he said softly, kneeling down next to him as the other boy worked in the dirt. His friend seemed nervous, as if he anticipated the topic Dee was about to discuss. “I saw you in the alley when we went to the city that day,” he told him without preamble.
Aaron’s hands froze in mid-movement. Dee could almost feel his panic.
“Dee,” the boy finally replied, his voice hesitant. “It’s really not that big of a deal…”
“Like hell it isn’t!” he said louder than he’d meant to. Aaron glanced around, but no one else seemed to be in the courtyard. Slowly he stood as he looked openly into his friend‘s face, and Dee nearly took a step back. He hadn’t seen such despair in his friend’s eyes since they’d first met. That was years ago when they had both expected their useless lives to rot away on the outskirts of the city—unwanted and alone. That had been before Mother had taken them in, before they learned there could be hope. To see that desolation once again stir in his friend’s eyes nearly broke Dee’s heart. But he wouldn’t give up on him that easily. “Aaron, I want you to promise me you’ll stop using—right now!”
The auburn blonde gave a small, exasperated huff. “Why? It’s not like it’s anything new! Or have you already forgotten that you’ve done the same?”
“That was different!” Dee protested. “That was before we got into Pembery! We’ve both been clean since we started there!”
Aaron’s blue eyes seemed to shift from pain to rage uncontrollably before he burst out, “I’m not in Pembery anymore! Remember? So don’t lecture me!” In an attempt to end the painful conversation, Aaron turned his back on his longtime friend. He couldn’t bear any more of this. All he wanted to do was sink into his despair, wrap it about himself, and wait until he became numb to the pain. He knew there was no hope left for him. He was used, broken. Why couldn’t anyone see that? Why wouldn’t they just let him be! His friend’s comfort and compassion only made his anguish more acute. It reopened the old wounds he was so eager to forget, making it all the more excruciating for him deal with reality. It would be so much easier if everyone just gave up on him.
“Aaron, please,” Dee pleaded, seeing his friend’s shoulders start to tremble. He reached out a hand and squeezed the boy’s arm gently, afraid Aaron would dart and run like a scared rabbit if he moved too fast. He wasn’t sure what Aaron was going through, but he knew that there was more to it than just the expulsion. There was something else, something deeper and more horrible, that his friend was keeping from him; some dark secret keeping him silent. He had always known that Aaron kept certain ghosts from his past hidden away, things that he felt he couldn’t share even with Dee. Now that it seemed more important than ever that he open up, the boy had clammed up even tighter. For the first time in a long time, Dee felt at a loss. He understood now that he had no idea how to reach Aaron, and the realization ripped him apart, like a knife twisting at him from the inside out.
Without thinking, Dee suddenly embraced Aaron from behind. The boy’s cool blue eyes flew open, tears obstructing his vision. “Dee…” he sighed, so softly that the name seemed to catch on the wind and blow away before it could reach his friend’s ears. But the dark-haired boy behind him tightened his arms. Aaron could feel the boy shaking and his heart sang at the thought that Dee cared for him so much that it would upset him to this extreme, just knowing he was in danger. For a moment, his despair lifted and he almost yielded to Dee’s unspoken plea.
Almost.
“I love you, Aaron,” came his friend’s choked whisper.
The blonde knew Dee had spoken from his heart. He knew that his friend was making one final attempt to save him from his own desperation, but he also knew the words were spoken in friendship. Dee would never speak these words to him in the hushed tones of a lover, and never embrace him with the kind of longing that Aaron felt eat away at him every time he looked at his handsome friend.
Aaron knew in the instant he felt Dee’s words hit his ears that this was the closest he would ever get to achieving his true desire and it would have to be enough. In an ironic twist of fate, Dee’s final attempt to save his friend was the act that would seal his doom, for in that moment Aaron gave up the last vestiges of hope that the green-eyed boy would one day return his feelings. Without that hope, he had nothing to cling to.
He didn’t blame Dee, didn’t even blame Ryo. In actuality, his mind had been looking for an excuse to finalize his despair, and now he had found it. There was nothing anyone could really have done.
At least, that was what Dee told himself as he gazed out the window, watching the landscape rush past in a blur of monochromatic, winter colors. He told himself he’d done all he could, but he’d known it wasn’t good enough. Dee recognized that Aaron had been waiting with a kind of fatalistic intensity to see him over break, as if he’d planned it to be their last meeting. Even though Dee knew his friend was beyond his reach, he still wasn’t giving up.
After he left the courtyard in silence, he’d gone straight to Mother and explained everything to her. The old nun wasn’t surprised. Dee’s information had merely confirmed her own suspicions. The gentle woman held the boy she’d come to love as a son as he wept on her shoulder and promised him that she would look after Aaron. There were programs he could be enrolled in that might help, she reassured him. It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, where one of the orphaned boys had had a set back and suddenly reverted to their old ways.
But Dee would not be so easily comforted. “There’s something else,” he said, “something deeper that’s eating at him.” Wiping the tears from his face, he settled his intense green eyes on the elderly woman. “I don’t know how to help him.”
Mother reached out a hand and touched Dee’s cheek. “We all can only do so much in this world, Dee. The rest is in God’s hands.”
The words echoed in Dee’s head as he closed his hand around the small gold crucifix that always hung about his neck. Turning his head, he looked over at Ryo, whose head had fallen on his shoulder. Dee wanted so badly to enjoy this Christmas—his first Christmas with Ryo—but now it would be marred by his worry for Aaron. Still, he thought, sitting up and shaking himself out of the gloomy mood, I can make the best of it. He’d left Aaron under Mother’s expert care and she could see to his well-being better than anyone he could think of (short of himself).
The blonde at his side resettled himself as Dee straightened his back. Ryo was trying to pull himself out of his own heavy thoughts. Although his dark-haired companion had been a bit tight-lipped about what had been happening with Aaron, Ryo had been able to guess what was left unsaid. Aaron wasn’t doing well, Dee had told him. He was probably doing drugs again. Ryo didn’t press for details about what the word ‘again’ implied when Dee didn’t seem very forthcoming. Although Dee hadn’t mentioned the disturbing way that Aaron’s dealer had groped him, Ryo heard the constriction in the boy’s voice when he spoke about the incident. After his own brief conversation with Aaron about Mr. Martin’s indiscretions toward him, Ryo had no doubt that Aaron had suffered some kind of sexual abuse when he was younger and was now prone to such victimization. He wondered how much Dee knew or guessed about this. Certainly Dee hadn’t mentioned anything about it, and Ryo was fairly sure that the greaser would be seething with rage if he thought Martin had been taking liberties with his friend.
Ryo was now burdened with the choice of whether or not to tell his lover about his suspicions on the matter. Despite Dee’s promise not to cause trouble on behalf of the injustices committed against Aaron, Ryo doubted he would be able to restrain himself from physically attacking the teacher if he thought the man had molested his friend. So where did that leave Ryo? Aaron didn’t want the matter brought to light, and telling Dee would only lead to more trouble. Did that mean he could do nothing? How could he let Martin go on teaching when he knew what the man was capable of? Ryo’s head hurt from the persistent, disturbing questions.
Not now, he thought. I’ll deal with this later. Christmas is hard enough and this year I want to enjoy it!
Glancing out the window, Ryo saw that they were arriving at the station and nudged Dee. “We’re here.”
The train slowed, lurching to a sluggish stop, and the two boys pulled their duffel bags from the overhead rack. A swift chilly breeze greeted them as they stepped out onto the platform, but it was not unpleasant. The sun was still bright in the watery blue sky and the cold air cleared their heads. Dee was surprised to see so much snow, however. At his side, Ryo gave a small laugh.
“We usually get a pretty good amount of snow around here, a lot more than near the city,” he explained.
“It’s great!” Dee said with unexpected enthusiasm. Ryo associated snow with hours of shoveling and trudging through the cold when his Uncle’s car refused to start—which was often, but Dee was thrilled. “It’s like some kind of Christmas postcard!”
“I guess,” the blonde replied, shrugging.
Dee just shook his head. The cozy, snow-blanketed town looked like a Rockwell painting with the bright green wreaths and deep red ribbons decorating the store windows all along the lane.
“Oh, damn!” Ryo said suddenly, looking cross.
“What?”
The blonde looked at him sheepishly. “I told my Aunt and Uncle that we’d walk to the house. I had no idea there would be this much snow already. It’s a lot even for us.”
Dee laughed. “Geez! I thought it was something serious!”
“But it’s so cold and we don’t even have boots on!” Ryo grumbled.
Beside him, Dee shrugged. “Who cares?” The cheerful sight of the snowy town and his lover’s adorable pout had lifted his mood considerably. “I don’t mind walking. Actually I think it might be fun!”
His companion continued to look skeptical.
Ducking his head close to Ryo to whisper against his ear, steamy breath clouding about them, Dee whispered, “You’re so cute when you pout.”
Ryo was glad that his face was already red from the cold so that his blush was less noticeable.
“Come on,” Dee said encouragingly, restraining himself from reaching for Ryo’s hand since they were in public. “Which way is the house?”
Ryo gave a resigned sigh and pointed to the right, toward a curve in the road where the shops came to an end and the road wound into a more residential area.
“Maybe we could stop and get some hot chocolate,” Ryo offered.
Shouldering their heavy bags, they began walking down the street. Dee couldn’t refrain from saying in a low voice, “You’re all I need to keep me warm, babe.”
“Cut it out,” the blonde chided softly, elbowing the boy’s side, but he smiled up into his eyes nonetheless. It was going to be a challenge to keep himself from the usual intimacies they shared between them, now that they would be staying with his family. Already their patience had been tried by a week at the orphanage and the extremely limited amount of privacy it afforded. At least they had not had to worry too much about holding hands or sharing the occasional kiss inside their room, which they did despite Bikky’s protests.
This, however, would be different. As much as Ryo loved his Aunt and Uncle and as tolerant as they were, he knew he wouldn’t be able to display such signs of affection in their presence.
Ryo shook his head to clear his thoughts. No good worrying about all this now, he thought as he accidentally stepped into a particularly deep snowdrift along the street. He breathed in the chill air and made a promise to himself to forget his troubles this week.
This Christmas was going to be different, he told himself. This one would be good.
The train ride had given him time to consider what gift to give Dee, and he thought he’d come up with something perfect. Maybe. Probably.
Suddenly he felt an icy slap against his neck. He turned to find Dee grinning evilly, his hands already packing another tight snowball. Ryo’s face erupted into a broad grin.
“You’re gonna get it!” the blonde exclaimed, reaching down for a handful of fluffy snow. But the words were barely out of his mouth when another white missile smacked him in the face.
It didn’t take long before both of them were coated, head to foot, in the fine white powder. Neither of them cared.
By the time they arrived at Ryo’s front door, they could barely catch their breath they were laughing so hard.
The door opened before Ryo had a chance to knock, and a middle-aged woman appeared, smiling warmly at them both
“Hi, Aunt Elena!” Ryo said, giving her a wide, infectious smile, “This is Dee!” He put his hand on the other boy’s shoulder and the boy shook some of the snow from his dark locks before proffering his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Dee. We’ve heard a lot about you,” she told him, taking his chilled hand into her own.
“Have you?” asked Dee. Elena saw the youth glance over at her nephew and Ryo looked back at him shyly.
“Well, boys, welcome home!”
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